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Dear Diva,
You know, eight weeks ago, when the supreme court forced me and millions
of other Americans onto the THE AMAZING MIRACLE BANANA REPUBLIC DIET!©, I was at first sorely miffed, to say the least. Like all people suffering with withdrawal from addictive substances, I was confused and depressed. And make no doubt about it, freedom and liberty are highly addictive, which is why people have fought and died trying to hold on to a steady supply!
But one day last week I woke up and it was as if a fog had been lifted from my eyes! I felt that it was a new morning in America, and that I lived in a shining city on a hill! Gone were those unsightly pockets of liberty, gone were those useless concepts of freedom and justice. (Let's face it, today those things are about as useful as an appendix!) There was a new spring in my step, and a new lightness in my brain.
My wife is quite impressed with the change in me. She says that she always wanted a more "take charge kind of guy." She's adjusting well to staying in the house all day and focusing on her chores. (And I'm thinking about all the money we can save now that we don't have to buy footwear for her anymore! Ha, ha!)
Even the kids seem to enjoy searching out twigs for their nightly "switching." I get strangely aroused when I see photos of semi-automatic weapons and oil rigs, and I can't wait to get rid of my old Toyota and get a monster SUV. Just thinking about barreling down the highway, fouling the air, and getting 5 miles to the gallon makes my pulse quicken!
The only side effect that I have (or so my friends tell me), is that I sometimes mispronounciate my words, but I figure, hey, if it's good enough for the leader of our new Banana Republic, it's good enough for me.
Sincerely,
Born again in New York,
Your friend,
Robert C
NEXT: GLORIA ON "CUJO'S" COMMITMENT
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