Dear Diva,

I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life  sentence in Attica for rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.

However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.  Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street, and hopefully the heroin...

Diva, my problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her....

Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle) the doctor and the old man began discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know, young Bush is a post turtle".

Not knowing what he meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, and he can't get anything done while he's up there. You just want to get the thing down."

One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.  The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country,??  I was elected President!" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country Bush asked.

"Go to the theatre," replied Abe.