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WASHINGTON (gorewon2000.net) January 26, 2001 -- U.S. Capitol Police and Secret Service agents are mounting an aggressive damage control campaign to mitigate erosion of public confidence in White House security, after failing for a sixth day to apprehend an intruder at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
The intruder -- described as a white male in his fifties, light build, unattractive, of questionable sanity and below average intelligence -- has been observed prowling the grounds of the White House since Saturday. Extensive media coverage has made his presence an embarrassment for the U.S. Capitol Police and Secret Service.
Lt. Dan Nichols, a spokesman for the Capitol Police, attempted to explain the failure to apprehend the intruder, by pointing out the bizarre circumstances surrounding the security breach. "It is something we take seriously, a man being able to get to the oval office seemingly at will, and with a little assistance from powerful friends."
"We are reviewing everything about how the incident occurred," he insisted, "but, considering the situation that led to this problem, I don't think it is fair to blame the U.S. Capitol Police or the Secret Service for his presence."
Nichols would not confirm the identity of the intruder, nor comment on reports that the intruder is rumored to be the deadbeat son of a former highly-placed federal official, saying, "I think it behooves us to refrain from making any comment on that issue until we have the trespasser in custody."
The inaugural day security lapse occurred in spite of being the equivalent of a "called shot." Secret Service agents were on the lookout for the intruder, even going so far as to show security officers a video of him making outlandish statements and claiming to be the President. They were also tipped off to the likelihood that this disturbed individual might attempt to enter the Presidential Residence, because he had said as much, boasting that his brother had guaranteed him access.
Because of massive protests in Washington over the weekend, security had been tightened in and around the White House, making the ease with which the intruder gained access to the restricted area especially troublesome. "He just waltzed right in," Nichols said, clearly troubled. "I have to admit it," he went on to say, "that it would have been much easier to prevent his entry, than it is going to be to extract him without the use of force."
Because of metal detectors installed in and around the White House complex, there is little likelihood that the intruder is heavily armed, but fears about his mental state have made the U.S. Capitol Police and Secret Service recommend that President Gore leave the Residence to assure his personal safety, and that of his family. "We wouldn't want to have the death of such a great and patriotic American on our hands," Nichols admitted, "so those of us charged with the safety of the President had no choice but to insist that he be moved to a safer location."
Due to the apparent conspiracy that enabled the intruder to breach the security of the nation's Presidential residence, Capitol Police and Secret Service agents are withholding information regarding any planned action against him from even the most powerful government officials. "We have solid evidence indicating that certain officials, and their staffers, may have been involved in plotting and executing criminal acts to facilitate the current situation," Nichols said, "And because of this, we consider it vital that our strategy for removing the intruder remain in strictest confidence."
There have been unconfirmed rumors, however, that one possible strategy involves luring the intruder out of the residence by staging a mock "kegger" on the White House lawn. Nichols refused to confirm or deny these rumors.
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