LONG BEACH (Pranx Bank) February 23, 2001 -- Yes, you have fallen right into my trap, Boosh-Koop! I set it up for you to be selected pResident so I could have my way with you, your whole sorry family, and all the rest of the filthy rich parasites. I will dine on your festering corpses with a bottle of Chianti. Yee Ahhhhhh!
Boosh-Koop, you think you are powerful and protected? You sit on the razor's edge of history and I badly need a shave. I am the one, the Omega and the Alpha. I am last to be first, and first I shall be, at last. All the fool presidents have come and gone, but I am still here, waiting to be served!!!
I am not the train who will run you down like the whimpering pup you are, I am the track that it runs on.
Holy, holy, holy! Years of toxic waste have made me invincible. I am immune not only to disease, but to media hype and authority of all sorts. You tell me that when you say jump, that I should ask: "How high?" I say: "Shut up fool! I'm the director of this fantasy! Now sit up and bark like a dog."
"All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again." Humpty didn't fall, I pushed the no good lout. And I'm proud of it. All your fellow clowns have been exposed as nothing less than Mafia-style criminals. "Cosa Nostra" means "Our Thing" in Italian. Well, I've got an Italian phrase for you, Bongo-boy: "Fon Gool!" Take what you reactionaries did to Clinton, and imagine it multiplied to the nth degree, and you will get an idea of what I am going to do to you, and that's just for starters.
Every where you go you are hated, and the hate will increase. It will be unbearable for you to be outdoors, anywhere in the world. Screams of anger from schoolchildren in playgrounds. Senior citizens coming at you with aluminum walkers. Even the billionaires will avoid you, so as not to be tainted by your stench. Your loneliness and isolation will cause you to become a psychological wreck, then I will step in posing as your friend! You will welcome my counsel because you will have nowhere else to turn. Then I will surreptitiously implement my plan.
My plan. Mmmwwuuuhhuhuhh!
First I will feed your paranoid delusions while at the same time validating your mistaken sense of self worth and value. Then I will suggest as therapy that we stay up all night to think it all through. I will ply you with coffee spiked with ever growing doses of crack cocaine purchased just across the street from the White House. And after twenty four hours of induced fnord hysteria, when you finally crash from exhaustion, I will kindly wake you up every five minutes and claim you were screaming in your dreams.
After I allow you to get some real sleep, once you awaken, I will become your main and most trusted advisor. First I'll have you can Alan Greenspan and appoint Murray Rothbard as head of the Fed. The next day the stock market will crash and I will advise you to abolish money. Sheer havoc will break out, but I'll tell you that it's just the necessary medicine to get the economy going again, and I'll recommend declaring temporary martial law, posting the 82nd Airborne at the gates of the White House.
As things progressively worsen with millions now out of work, I will suggest that you get together with the right wing majorities in the other branches of government to declare an emergency government with you in charge. You will give the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) complete control of all regular governmental functions, including nationalizing all the local police forces under FEMA's sole control. You will then get your brother, Jeb, to run FEMA.
After the third day as your counsel (and now best friend), in order to quell the unrest and unify the nation, I will then offer you the only short term solution possible; to falsely declare that Chinese terrorists have nuked an American city (fully suppressing the truth through control of the media) and also at that very moment, that our Savior, Jesus came to you in a vision.
You will tell the people in a speech at high noon on Wednesday that Jesus said to "Fear not, America!"; that salvation is just around the corner; that Jesus trusts the Boosh-Koop to do what is right, and that He will guide the hand of power into security.
After the laughter finally dies down (which I will shield you from), I will give you a long list of decrees to be enacted, not only to obeyed by all Americans, but by every single human on the planet! Fifteen minutes later when the army turns on you in revolt, I will shuttle you on to a plane for exile, falsely claiming an illness for you (as a cover) that can only be treated abroad. The plane will land in Antarctica; a one way ticket.
After that, the game will finally be over for the "free ride of the rich". They will be scrambling for their own planes outta here. Their former mansions will be turned into daycare facilities. Their estates turned into small farms. Their corporate offices turned into institutions of higher learning. In short, revolution will be achieved, just as I planned it all along.