No way. This is how it really happened... embarrassing
STEVE YOUNG (Laughing Matters) April 13, 2001 -- As much as the Bush Administration would like us to believe that it was good old American hard line diplomacy that returned our servicemen in one piece, highly classified papers reveal that conventional diplomatic methods were ready to be discarded in place of a radical operation that would have skipped under the diplomatic radar. The report shows that George W's compassionate conservative patience was running thin and as one official observed, "The time had come it was time to go in and bring our boys out."
If the Chinese refused the last missive of sorryness the contingencies were set to be implemented toot suite. Forget about the Marines. Forget about the CIA. Forget about Special Forces. Just plain forgetaboutit. Drastic times call for drastic measures. We were ready to send in...the Sopranos! And it was the threat of that attack from HBO's North Jersey coast that actually brought Bejing to its knees.
Thankfully, as soon as the Chinese heard that Doubleya was already dialing up HBO's Head of Original Programming, Chris Albrecht, the gig was up. One call from Albrecht to Sop creator David Chase and Chinese knew that a sordid tale of Tony S's crew breaking knees and schtupping Heinen Island call girls, would be scripted, cast and produced for Chinese consumption in no time.
Think it's a joke? Not for nothin', but you don't think Tony, Pauly Walnuts, Pussy (God rest his soul), Christopher and Silvio (if the Boss is willing to give him furlough from the E-Street tour), can explain things to the Commie capo and the rest of his anti-America (North Jersey being part of said America) communist netherworld? Five minutes with the Tony Soprano and bada bing, we got our boys back.
Too bad Tony's mom isn't around any more. W could just send in Livia to do the explainin'. Or maybe we just send her head on some body double. What about Tony's sister, Janice? You think Jiang could stand that broad hanging around his palace knowin' that any minute she could go Richie Aprile on 'im?
Tony knows what he's gotta do (if Carmela lets him). Ask 'im yourself.
"Y'just gotta be smart about it. Not like those guys what tried to off Castro. That was sloppy. Too many cugine involved. I mean, how do you keep a Vow of Omerta when y'got two hundred rats shootin' off their mouths?"
"See, these Chinese got good egg rolls but otherwise, they ain't got gots. I mean, I got no beef with this Zemin guy. I'd have a problem too if I had a plane full of nosy Feds buzzin' my place. I mean, it's bad enough when y'got some dry cleanin' truck sittin' outside your home for a month, tryin' to indict ya with some trumped up RICO charge, tappin' your freakin' dishwasher and stickin' their freakin' wire on some poor pizza delivery kid. Good kid. Hated to see him...move on. But, whataya gonna do?"
"This General Powell seems like a good enough guy, but there's a big difference between a good guy and a made guy. He's did what he could do but it's obvious he's not packin' enough heat. I'm not sayin' we would clip anyone, not if we don't have to. Just do a little spring cleanin'. Y'know, shake 'em down. You don't have to be puttin' out a hit on the whole mainland, but y'gotta send a message. I mean, it's important we take care of the whacked pilot's widow. It's what we do. But no freakin' apologies. How does that make us look to the rest of the world, the other families? This thing of ours...it's not how we do it. I'm not sayin' we won't need to play some trunk music or someone might have an... accident, but first you try to make them understand. Y'just gotta make them appreciate that it's not personal. Y'know. It's business."
The undertaking itself would not have been cheap. "Bein' that it's your basic flag-salutin' thing, I figure it'll only cost about fifty large, tops," said Tony's Uncle Junior. "I hear these Chinese do a lot of import-export. Maybe we take a piece of the action. Cut in Zemin and Bush. Y'know, spread enough around to make everybody happy."
Tony S. agreed. "It's not a big deal. We get our boys and the three broads, then we all go out for some calamari and antipasta. If these guys don't want to make it easy, he could end up sleepin' with the sushis. Capesce?"
Thank God cooler heads prevailed. God bless freakin' America. God bless freakin' HBO.
Steve Young is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing. He can be reached at email@example.com. His website is http://www.suite101.com/myhome.cfm/laughingmattersMORE: Uncensored Story and E-Mail Transcripts
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