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SAN DIEGO ZOO (coup2k.com) April 13, 2001 -- A trio of Chinese nationals briefed The Diva today, and on condition of anonymity, reported that they were present during high-level government brainstorming sessions regarding the American spy plane incident. The Chinese citizens, a small nuclear family living abroad in the United States, claim that these strategy sessions took place just outside their homes in San Diego, California, making them privy to the discussions.
The three -- insisting that they be referred to only by the code names 'Rock', 'White Cloud', and 'Beautiful Magnificent China USA' -- alleged Friday that the release of the American servicemen being held in China was secured by the use of extortion on the part of the United States Government. They claimed that the double threat to not only make their presence in the United States permanent (their presence in America was allowed only with the understanding that they would ultimately return to their homeland), but also to cease the $1 million annual payment promised to China for their being allowed to reside here, was the leverage used to finally break the diplomatic stalemate in the spy plane incident negotiations.
Rock, a black and white male in his early twenties, expressed mixed emotions about having been a bargaining chip against his home country. Chewing on a bamboo stalk, he said, "I love China. My countrymen there saved me from certain death nine years ago. I owe them my very life. It was very difficult to be used against them... But I have also come to love Americans, especially the ones who bring me carrots, so I was distressed that our nations were at odds, period. I was also concerned for my wife and daughter," he explained. "Though I am not with them, I know my wife feels the same way about China -- she loves me and appreciates their having saved my life. I know she must have worried that we might never see our home again. But I am sure that she was most concerned that our daughter, who was born here in the United States, might never see China at all."
Rock described the last twelve days as an "emotional roller-coaster," and claimed that an unnamed high-ranking White House official had visited his home as recently as Saturday, discussing with aides how best to use "the koalas" to "get back those guys in that one country." He reported that an aide then corrected the official, and talked about the family's value, both in terms of 'face' and currency, and suggested that a threat to hold the family in America indefinitely would force the Chinese to accede to American demands. "It worked, as you can see," Rock said. "I tell you now that the story you are being told -- that an apology was the compelling factor -- is a lie. On my honor, I say this. It was hostages for hostages."
Rock's wife, White Cloud, interviewed separately, seemed to doubt the assertion that the spy plane incident was an accident. "About a month after your new Resident took office, the markets began to suffer every time he opened his mouth. I knew we were in for trouble. I was convinced this new administration would try to do something, anything, to distract attention from the Bear Market. I know all about bears," she snorted, "I am one."
"Well, on February 22, the NASDAQ hit a 25-month low, and they separated my daughter, 'Beautiful Magnificent China USA', from me that very day. It had begun!" she angrily declared, throwing up her paws. "When my daughter was born, you had a REAL leader in the White House, not a dumb [expletive deleted], and something like this NEVER would have happened!"
After composing herself, White Cloud rested her paws on her belly, and went on to say that she believed the American government wanted the family separated, so that when the 'distraction' finally came, they would not be able to discuss it together. "When I first overheard my visitors talking about the spy plane incident on April Fool's Day, I knew this was the distraction I had feared. I also knew that my family would somehow be involved. Then the men from your government began to show up when no one was around to see them, and discuss my family as if we were not even present. Perhaps they think we do not know how to understand English! Ha! Well, with my own tiny ears I heard them say that they would use us to "black-and-white-mail" the Chinese, that they would threaten to refuse to return us if the servicemen were not released! See? I was right all along!"
Beautiful Magnificent China USA, who will celebrate her second birthday in August, confirmed her parents' impressions. "A mean man came and was looking at me. He said, 'Here, koala!' Well, I wanted to laugh in his stupid face, but I was afraid... My mommy told me never to talk to Republicans, and if one tried to get me, to scream and run and tell. He smelled bad, so I knew," she whispered, "and that's why I wouldn't go near him."
"Then he came back with more mean men. They would point at me and laugh. I didn't like them. They all smelled the same way," she said, rolling about on the grass, then down a gently sloping hill. "So then, the first mean man, the dumb one, said to the others that we were worth our weight in gold. He said that all they had to do to make China give back the people, was to say they would never let me and my mommy and daddy go home. I was afraid, but who could I tell? No one listens to kids."
The Diva was unable to confirm these allegations, as neither the White House nor the Chinese Government could be reached for comment.
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