THEODORE OLSON, Bush campaign attorney: Just one week ago, this court vacated the Florida Supreme Court's November 21 decision to uphold the will of the Florida voters, which had guaranteed the legitimacy of the next President, and had basically screwed my client, you know, The Dumb Guy.  Just four days later, without a single reference to this court's December 4 ruling, the Florida Supreme Court issued a decision we don't like, either.

JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA: Can you begin by telling us how we can help your client out?  How can we convince people that a federal issue arises out of this matter, after we have consistently ruled similar matters to be issues of states' rights?

OLSON: The federal question arises out of the fact that my client is the son of a former federal President, and has a lot of money.  And so - Your Honors - you know, he deserves to win, even if he doesn't have enough votes.

KENNEDY: It seems to me essential to the Republican Party's theory of government that the constitutions of the United States and the states are a big inconvenience to their candidate. And to say that the legislature of the state of Florida is unmoored from its own constitution and therefore can certify its electors for the loser in the state's Presidential election--it seems to me a holding which makes your guy - The Dunce - a total shoe-in.

OLSON: Justice Kennedy, the Constitution specifically vested the authority to determine the manner of the appointment of electors in state legislatures. The Florida Legislature, of course, has statutes on the books calling for the appointment of Presidential electors by popular vote in that state, but is fully willing to ignore its own laws.  We have this information on good authority.  Not only are our lawyers working with the Legislature to steal this election, but Jeb told us so.

KENNEDY: Then why are you here?  No matter what we decide, it sounds like your guy is sitting pretty.

OLSON: Well, Your Honors, we have to make this look good.  A lot of people don't know what a bunch of partisan whores the majority of you are, so they think that a decision from you would be just.  So, we are here for the PR angle.

JUSTICE SANDRA DAY O'CONNOR: But you think that people are going to fall for what we are doing?  Don't you think the press is going to report on our animus and bias against the Vice President and his Party?

OLSON: They certainly have not to this point.

O'CONNOR: Well, but apparently some of the damning information is leaking out none the less.

OLSON: Well, there was a leak with respect to Justice Scalia's two sons' employment with the law firm representing The Dummy … and people are beginning to talk about Justice Scalia's remarks indicating he would not accept a Gore Presidency… and a lot of people have heard about your petulant remarks, ma'am, on election night, when Florida was initially called for Al Gore… and there is the little matter of Justice Rehnquist's involvement with Operation Eagle Eye in past elections.   

KENNEDY: I think that might present a problem.

OLSON: I do not believe that it will.  Because, notwithstanding--well, the fact is that the media are in our pocket.  Our Party's contributors and fundraisers OWN them, so you can see that they have an interest in burying or down-playing these conflicts of interest…

KENNEDY: Well, this is serious business, because if the people ever did realize how partisan and biased we are, well, they might not accept a Bush Presidency… An outcome which I think we all can agree, can't we, that we want?  That we would do anything to get?

O'CONNOR: I have the same problem Justice Kennedy does, apparently, which is, I would have thought you could have totally killed these reports by now.  What are your guys doing, letting reporters engage in investigative journalism?  Don't you have any control?  Are these corporate employees completely un-tethered from the Republican Party?

OLSON: I think that I don't disagree with that, except to the extent that I think that the corporations have a lot of employees, and it's particularly difficult to keep track of ALL of them at the same time.  (continued)

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