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WASHINGTON (We Will Not Forget) January 27, 2001 - U.S. regulators said on Thursday they had placed some cattle in Texas under quarantine as a precaution while officials probe whether a feed mill violated rules designed to keep mad cow disease out of the food supply.
An FDA spokesman said the agency was investigating whether cattle were accidentally fed meat and bone meal made from other U.S. cattle. "There's a possibility that bone meal derived from U.S. cattle may have been mixed with a feed supply and later fed to cattle," FDA spokesman Lawrence Bachorick said. "The cattle here are being kept in isolation until we can determine whether they are fit for human consumption."
Ironically, only three days into his new job as President, George W. Bush is already rolling back health and safety initiatives that are widely supported by Americans. The Washington Post reported today that the new Bush Administration has wasted no time in attempting to turn back the clock on safety standards that protect families from potentially life-threatening contamination and food poisoning.
It has also been rumored that then-Governor George W. Bush shipped dozens of his prime heifers to D.C. prior to his Inauguration, but spokesperson Ari Fleischer refused to comment about the red barn that suddenly appeared on the back lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Unfortunately, two prominent news commentators are now suspected to have been stricken with Mad Cow disease due to the Texas contamination and lax safety rules. MSNBC's Chris Matthews and FOX News' Sean Hannity began showing early warning signs of the usually-fatal disease just hours after leaving a secret meeting with President Bush, where they reportedly chowed down on Texas beef patties in the Oval Office. Matthews and Hannity, already known for their rabid personalities, reportedly struck a deal with the new President to "keep all attention focused away from the White House," in return for "all the Texas beef they could eat."
In notes found in Matthew's apartment, the secret plan called for a subtle diversion of attention so the Bush agenda could be pushed through Congress while weak-kneed Senators grappled with their consciences and constituents. But in the grips of Mad Cow Disease, the term "subtle" was evidently lost on Matthews and Hannity.
Bush had not been in the White House 24 hours before the two anchors began showing signs of twitching, jerking, convulsing and foaming at the mouth. Every mention of the names Bill, Hillary or Jesse would send them into full-blown tonic-clonic seizures and incessant babbling. Health care professionals, who routinely were called in to administer anticonvulsant medication to the two, said they had never seen anything like it.
"It's a miracle they're not dead already", said Dr. Alex Burchell. "I've never administered so much Dilantin and Valium in my life. It's almost like they were in withdrawal.. horrible." Dr. Burchell held out little hope for their survival. "The disease just progressed too far before we caught it", he remarked.
The Mad Cow disease caused Matthews and Hannity to exhibit delusions of grandeur, perseverant thinking, looseness of association, paranoid ideation and symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. Both men became obsessed with flatware and china, Jesse Jackson's private life, and the W's on keyboards. What were non-stories were wildly exaggerated and woven into tangled web of vast conspiracy theories by the two as, almost simultaneously, they repeated Bill and Hillary Clinton's names over and over until they were blue in the face.
No one noticed initially, "because that's what Matthews and Hannity are paid to do", said one source, who wished to remain anonymous; and also "because the people who usually watch them are right-wing lunatic fringe anyway." Friday night, in a scene unlike anything ever witnessed on live television, both men were placed in straight jackets and hauled off the sets screaming, "Bill, Hillary, come back!" as astonished colleagues looked on in horror and disbelief.
Not so easily hauled off are the ludicrous stories that Matthews and Hannity have now planted in the minds of their exclusively Republican audience. The two men are being kept alive on life-support temporarily. President Bush, well known world-wide for his compassion, commented at today's press conference that the humane thing to do would be to just "pull the plug." Vice-President Dick Cheney stepped in and took the microphone when the President erupted into uncontrolled snickering and smirking at his own comment.
In a late-breaking development, Bill O'Reilley of The Factor was also rushed to the hospital with symptoms of Mad Cow disease, but was released when family and friends assured the doctors that, "he's always been like that."
Contributions and memorials can be sent to Jerry Falwell of the Christian Coalition, whose organization stands to lose the most from the demise of their two most valuable assets. Spokespersons for FOX news and MSNBC have assured us that the shows will continue uninterrupted, stating, "There's plenty more where they (Matthews & Hannity) came from," And plenty of Mad Cow Disease to go around for the next four years as well.
NEXT: "BLACK FRINGE": DIVA IS FRINGEFOLK
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