CEO'S IN THE WHITE HOUSE
By Gil Christner
Mr. Bush's first 100 days
have come and gone, and, after checking to see that the world is indeed, still
here, I took it upon myself to try to figure out what it is about his approach
to government that so infuriates everybody except rich people and mainstream
journalists. After tossing aside a few
radical theories (Hypnotism? Alien
abduction? Too X-Files. Arsenic in the water? Too CSI), I finally came upon the
reason: Bush, Cheney, and the whole
oily gang, are nothing more than CEO's.
Now I don't say that in a
negative way (well, I'm trying not too, I can't really help how it sounds once
it leaves my lips). But operating from
a position of complete authority over a whole hive of working stiffs certainly
explains not only the style of Mr. Bush's administration, but why everybody
hates it, except for rich guys and media.
Bush, et. al., are running
the government like they ran their companies.
9 to 5, weekends off, smile and shake hands with opponents while letting
minions stab the self-same opponents in the back, don't take any back talk (let
alone another point of view), and if something messes up, blame it on a
faceless underling. Hey, works for
AT&T, it ought to work for the US of A!
Rich guys love it. That's how rich guys run their own
companies. Wear a tie, don't get your own hands dirty, and don't tolerate any
dissention. How else do you think the
corporate powerhouse Time/AOL/Warner/Westinghouse/Dupont/General Motors/Ben&Jerry's
was able to accidentally buy itself in the latest Wall Street merger, and still
afford a 60 million dollar buy-out bonus for Michael Eisner, who isn't even
involved with that particular company?
That's rich guy style!
And the media are such blatant
suck ups, they don't see any difference between telling Bush what a brilliant
political strategist he is and complementing their boss on his new suit while
he fires 50 of their colleagues (can anyone say "CNN"?). Besides, so far, everybody who covers Mr.
Bush gets their very own nickname! So
what's a little loss of reporting objectivity compared to getting your own
handle of Big Guy, or Chief, or Four Eyes?
Know what I mean, Sparky?
Believe me, if you could
find any truthful journalists (and if that's not an oxymoron, then Haliburton
never profited in the Gulf War), then they would tell you that they're not
going to rock the boat, because they're just thrilled to be on television
without actually having to have talent, or at least outwit a naked gay guy on
an island in the South China Sea. Trust
me on this one, as long as there's free drinks in the press room, every
newsperson's nose is going to be browner than Bernie Shaw's.
So rich guys and the media
love Bush's CEO style. Run the country
like work, and everyone's happy. The
only trouble is, the rest of us stiffs know the truth about work: it sucks! We already spend 40 hours a week nodding in agreement to boss who
doesn't know anything but will talk our ear off about it anyway. No CEO in the world has any clue as to how
to actually get things done, because they never had to actually change a
gasket, or build a house, or balance a spread sheet, or get a roomful of
kindergartners to take a nap (extra bonus points if you can guess which one is
harder!) We can't actually prove it,
but we've all got a hunch that CEO's just walk through their marble halls with
their toadies licking their shoes while the rest of us bums actually make the
place run.
So who wants the country
to be just like work? Not us. Not the people who actually have to live
here. Please, we have to put up with
clueless bosses 8 hours a day at work, couldn't we at least have an actual
politician run the government? Either
that, or at least supply us with some company stationery we can steal. At least at our jobs, we get paid weekly
(very weakly, ba-da-boom, goodnight folks, tip your waitresses!)