An Open Letter to Gene Simmons



Written in response to his NY Post interview with Cindy Adams



Gene Simmons
C/O KISS
PO Box 15097
Beverly Hills, CA 90209


Dear Mr. Simmons:

I read your interview with Cindy Adams, and I must confess, it pissed me off.

You are fast becoming the posterboy for pseudo-intellectual bullshit. You conveniently pick and choose what facts to believe and propagate, based not on their merits, but based on whether or not they serve your very narrow personal agenda. In other words, you cook the books. In some circles, this technique is also referred to as "lying."

But while you are doing the picking and choosing, you still manage to put your foot in your mouth, by asserting things that are plainly and obviously -- that's right -- bullshit.

Let me illuminate a few instructive examples for ya...

''My design, and I suspect all God's designs, start with some engine. A car's engine either has horsepower or not. The design of this particular beast, man, is to expel sperm. Every time we get aroused we expel sperm. If not, the family of man would suffer from extinction.''

No, dear. If you expel sperm every time you get aroused, it's called "premature ejaculation," and it's a recognized medical and/or psychological problem. If every man was like that, the human race WOULD go extinct, because all of the men would be shooting their wad BEFORE they got their penis into Love Canal. Barring widespread use of turkey basters, sperm would wander around lost (and naturally, would refuse to ask for directions), and eggs would get very lonely waiting by the fallopian tubes.

''Life's biggest problem is marriage.''

I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one, too. I think many things -- ignorance, bigotry, greed, violence, tribalism, infectious diseases, natural disasters, Kiss' last 13 years of studio albums -- are bigger problems than marriage. Marriage (at present in our society) is a choice made freely between two people, and can be completely avoided. The same can not be said of the things I listed above.

''I've never asked a woman to be in touch with her masculine side.''

First off, sex roles are as much (or more) CULTURAL as they are BIOLOGICAL. In our society, men are socialized to be the sexual aggressor, and women are socialized to be passive. Since men have, until quite recently, reserved the power to shape societies to themselves exclusively, you might want to take up your complaints with them.

Secondly, I don't believe what you claim about yourself, personally. I don't believe that you have never in your life asked a woman to play the role of the sexual aggressor. I am almost certain that I watched a television interview you gave, in which you specifically mentioned desiring, expecting, and demanding that your sex partners act as aggressors. I can understand that. After all, an ego as fragile as yours needs constant stroking or it wilts. I'm guessing it's not the only thing on you that does.

''A woman wants a man to cry at a sloppy movie. But if he cries before she does, he's a wimp.''

You don't know, and can't speak for, what all women want. And, unless you ARE A WOMAN, you cannot speak for what ANY woman wants. If you try to, it's total hearsay (that's another word for "bullshit").

I have never, in my life, been present when a female has emasculated a man for crying over a movie, or anything else. In my experience, many women tend to be rather nurturing, and compassionate toward people who are emotionally upset.

A bit of anecdotal evidence to disprove your blanket assertion:

I took a large group of people to see the premiere matinee of "Schindler's List" when it came to Austin, Texas. In my group were several men -- straight and gay -- and several women -- also straight and gay. EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN MY GROUP CRIED. And not one person, male or female, in my group or not, belittled any of us for our tears.

If you live your life surrounded by people who do belittle you for your tears (which are a natural reaction to extreme emotion), I suggest you try to find yourself a new circle of nicer friends.

''A woman only wants to hook a man... A husband might be capable of loving a woman but not capable of loving her sister and mother also. And if he doesn't, his wife will take more than half his gross pre-tax dollars, which is 50 percent more than the entitlement of the woman who gave birth to him. I'd only give my mom 10 percent. If she demanded more I'd say, 'Get lost.'''

Sounds like someone is feeling unloved. Gene, Honey? If your woman only wants you for your money, and not for yourself or your body, get a different woman. Try to find one with low standards -- that will make the chances of her loving you for yourself much higher.

Oh, wait, you think all women are shit, so I guess that option's out. And if your woman can't love you unless you get along with the in-laws, you have a decision to make. How much do you love this woman, and how badly do you want to keep her in your life? Badly enough to keep the peace and accept her family? If not, quit your bitching, and leave the woman, already. Free will, Gene... Look into it.

The whole "women steal all men's money and leave them broke after a divorce" bullshit is so played out. The data don't lie. After divorce, a man's standard of living generally increases, and a woman's generally decreases, and that reality holds, BEFORE factoring in deadbeat-dad-ism. Factor that in, and you get the really shocking results. After divorce, many men refuse to support their very own children, and it is the CHILDREN, not you, Gene, who have their standard of living wrecked.

Speaking of children, men don't carry or give birth to them, or suffer the physical and health effects of same, so why should a man be entitled to half of a child, if he does in fact seek custody? As you so eloquently pointed out, a man ejaculates, then his part is done.

(Except, obviously, for the whining.)

''A woman only wants to hook a man. That's why she paints her lips with a vaginal color.''

Oh, my, someone doesn't get out much. Gene? Have you ever seen a vagina in any of these colors?



If so, I think law enforcement might want to discuss with you the specifics of where, when, and under what circumstances. In our society, necrophilia is considered a party-foul.

And speaking of lipstick, what's your excuse? And what's with all the blood-spitting? If your lipstick-covered mouth is supposed to be a vagina, is the blood-spitting supposed to be a period? Are you going to start spitting babies out onstage, too?

''I'd only give my mom 10 percent. If she demanded more I'd say, 'Get lost.'''

Well, let's hope your mother is never in dire straits, or in desperate need of your financial assistance. I don't make the money you do, Gene, but if my mother needed a bone marrow transplant (or anything else), I'd give her every last cent she required... even if it was my last cent. But, that's just me. I'm a woman, and you know what pieces of shit we are.

''So, when this wife leaves this 'son of a bitch' and the law allows her to take his balls, she marries again and also keeps whatever she makes from her daytime job.''

You're not very familiar with America's system of laws, are you? The fact is, under our system, the assets of the marriage, no matter who personally earned them, are split between the divorcing couple. The law recognizes a married couple as a single entity, and in the absence of any legal agreement to the contrary, recognizes their jointly acquired possessions as jointly owned. So, if the woman makes all the money, and the man stays home, he's still entitled to half the marital assets. And if the woman has the high-paying job, and the man doesn't, HE is still entitled to spousal maintenance (in states that provide for spousal maintenance), not HER.

Taking that into account, my advice to a man like you -- a man who is all about money and greed -- is go find yourself a cash cow wife. Someone like Oprah or JK Rowling -- an accomplished woman whose success and wealth seriously eclipse your own. Then marry her, accumulate some shit, pick a fight with your in-laws, divorce her, and take your half.

Wait a minute. There's a hitch in that plan. Oprah and J.K. are smart and talented, so they probably wouldn't go for you. Better stick with the Playboy bunny. A man's got to know his limitations.

''I have never been married. Never intend to. Marriage is an institution which to get into you have to be committed. I've been with [Playmate model] Shannon Tweed for 20 years. We have two great kids. But marriage, never.''

On behalf of all women, EVERYWHERE, let me just say, "WHEW! That's a load off! Thank you, Mr. Simmons."

''Look, only women who watch 'Oprah' and 'Dr. Phil' believe men walk down the street and do not look at a woman with double D's. I mean, a man can hold his breath but not forever. A man has two heads but only blood enough for one.''

Gene, only men who listen to brain-dead dumbasses like you believe that women are exempt from sexual desire. Trust me, when you and Shannon are walking down the street, and Shannon gets to see hot, young studs (for a change), SHE LOOKS. She has impure thoughts. The blood rushes out of her head and into more interesting spots. You can bank on it.

Whether she acts on her impulses or not, I cannot say. My guess is if she did, you'd bail, being the hypocrite that you are. (Geese and ganders, indeed.) Regardless, just keep reassuring yourself that in your relationship, you are the only one with sexual desires.

Come to think of it, living with you might be all it takes to kill off a perfectly normal sex drive, in which case, you really have nothing to worry about...

''Also, please note, Oprah's not married.''

Thanks for the trivia. I'll jot that down. Here's some for you: Fear of women is called "gynophobia." It is defined as "the fear of approaching, engaging in a conversation, trusting, or just being around women. Gynophobics suffer from pathological need for acceptance and fear of rejection, low self-esteem and/or mistrust of anyone from the opposite sex they could get intimate with, hence get hurt by."

...Just some trivia for ya. Don't read anything into it.

''My first motivation is to make lots of money.''

Wait a minute. What happened to the little (in your case, probably VERY little) engine who could? You said, and I quote, "My design, and I suspect all God's designs, start with some engine. A car's engine either has horsepower or not. The design of this particular beast, man, is to expel sperm."

Do you always contradict yourself like this? Which is it? The dollars, or the sperm?

''I invest only in me. My only business is the Gene Simmons business.''

That's not much of a business, if you don't mind my saying so. Maybe the problem is the business name. How about changing it? Say, maybe, to "Greedy Bastards R Us," or "Former Starfucksup?"

''July 22, KISS is out with our 36th album, 'The KISS Symphony' on KISS Records, which was done five months ago with the Melbourne Symphony. All 70 pieces were in tails, wearing KISS makeup. I'm writing other books right now.''

"Other" books? How is your 36th album a book? Oh, wait, you're talking about the "Sex Money Kiss" book? Here's a prediction about that for you -- Hillary has nothing to worry about. Your book won't come anywhere close to matching the success of hers. You'll end up looking like her bitch, even without your lipstick on. Unless, that is, you intend to market your book as fiction (which I assume it will be, regardless of labeling, since most of what comes out of your mouth and teeny-tiny brain bears no resemblance to truth or fact.)

In that case, you'll get to be JK Rowling's bitch. Make sure to wear your lipstick for her.

''We start our tour Aug. 2 in Hartford. I am interested in cash.''

Hey, maybe if you make enough cash, it'll make everything that's wrong with your life alright. But since you can't serve two masters, I can just about guarantee you that your greed will detract from your art. Wait... What I meant to say is, "your greed HAS DETRACTED from your art." Your music has bottomed out big-time. No one thinks of you as Gene Simmons, the bassist, anymore. You've become a caricature -- Gene Simmons, the money-grubbing businessman pretending to be a musician.

''This book is about redefining relationships.''

The world trembles in anticipation. Really.

''Love and sex are not the same thing.''

What a breakthrough! Did you figure that out all on your own? I smell Nobel Prize!

''A wife either lives a life of lies or she deals with it.''

"It" what? Do you mean you? Not every woman is so unfortunate as to be saddled with a man like yourself. I'll let you in on a little secret: some men are faithful, some aren't; some women are faithful, some aren't... And you CAN NEVER KNOW FOR SURE which kind you're in a relationship with. Women are smart enough to have figured this out; and their willingness to accept uncertainty in exchange for being with the person they love is NOT the same thing as lying to themselves. For instance, most people HOPE that their partners are faithful, and give their partners the benefit of the doubt, unless and until they have good reason to do otherwise. Fewer people express the kind of absolute certainty that you do about Shannon. Who's living a life of lies?

''A prostitute has more self-respect. A prostitute at least tells you what it'll cost beforehand.''

Anyone who enters into a legally binding contract without 'reading the fine print' (so to speak) has no one but themselves to blame when they are held to that contract. The legal realities of marriage are no secret, and anyone who is literate would have no trouble finding out what those realities are. Of course, there is nothing in the law to stop a person from being a crybaby.

As far as prostitutes go, I am sure you're right. I'd bet good money that you know all about prostitutes. I am sure they tell clients like you up-front all about any infectious diseases they may have been exposed to in their line of work, all about the law as it impacts hookers and their johns, and all about any plans they might have vis-a-vis assault, robbery, or blackmail. Yep, you have nothing to worry about, Gene. When it comes to sex, prostitutes are much safer than non-pros. You can rest easy.

''Jealousy is purely selfish. All about, 'But what about me?'''

You say that like it's a bad thing... Aren't you the idiot who just said, "My first motivation is to make lots of money. I invest only in me. My only business is the Gene Simmons business?" Aren't you the guy that said you'd tell your mom to get lost if she asked you for too much financial help? Purely selfish? Yeah, I'd say that about covers it.

''I have a big mouth''

And with that vagina-paint on it, men are sure to notice it, you big flirt, you!

''...and I'm not shy about saying that I'm 6-foot-2 and the quintessential big hairy stinking man''

Try Mennen.

''...who's willing and able to drill for oil whenever anybody's ready...

I wouldn't sit by the phone if I were you. You're pretty old, and you don't have that many years left.

All joking aside, Gene...

My fear is, you don't have enough smarts or time left, to realize that EVERYONE has their own truth about love, and your truth applies only to you.

As for me, my truth about love is this:

Religions and governments may load it down with rules and laws, if for no other reason than to try to control it -- to keep it from fully expressing its incredible power... but they can't change what love is. I love because THAT is what I was born to do. That's my engine. I'm a social creature, and I don't feel complete unless I have people to shower my love on.

You may be all about showering sperm far and wide. That is your engine... that is what makes you happy. You are what you are, and that is your right, which I respect absolutely.

But I resent your refusal to respect the choices of people who live different lives than you do, and your declarations that your way is the only true way. Your insistence that people who have different attitudes about love than you do are wrong -- that we are lying to ourselves, that we are motivated by greed and self-interest, that we feign love for financial gain, that we are what's wrong with this society -- is out-of-line.

I have a right to my truth.

Just because you don't feel about romantic love the way I do, just because you can't personally imagine loving someone enough to WANT to be faithful to them (regardless of what religions or laws have to say on the matter), doesn't mean that what I believe and feel is not real. The failure is with your imagination, not with my life.

I know, and understand, that you see fidelity as a burden. Why be faithful when there is no one worth being faithful to?

That's simple. Don't bother. There's no point, until you find the one.

Sincerely,
The Diva
thediva@coup2k.com