COMFORT LEVELS
Or, So Don't Think About It!
By
An Anonymous BBBR Resistance Fighter
April 6, 2001
"...there
are many, many people of the heterosexual persuasion
that I
don't want to picture having sex. Did
you all see the
George W.
Bush erotica contest that the Adam Clymer Fanclub linked to?
I saw the
challenge, in which they asked writers to "capture the eroticism
that is
the essence of George W. Bush" or somesuch,
but I
fled in terror without reading any of the contest entries."
{{{shudder}}} {{{shudder}}} {{{shudder}}}
One
thing some straight people say when homosexuality comes up in conversation is
that they don't want to imagine two men having sex, or two women having
sex. (Straight men seem as a group to
be less grossed-out by the idea of two women having sex, but never mind.)
I've got
a suggestion for you guys: so, don't think about it.
Sheesh.
For one
thing, I don't think simple squeamishness is a solid foundation for forming a
moral judgment. I, for one, find the
idea of swallowing a raw oyster repulsive, but I'm not about to go picketing
seafood restaurants or inwardly cheering when they get burned to the
ground. The idea of pregnancy and
childbirth creeps me out, (it may be the early exposure to the Alien movies),
but it does seem to be the standard method for the continuance of the species,
and as long as I'm not doing it, I don't have to worry, do I? There are many things I would not like to
do, would never voluntarily do, from running a marathon to skydiving to being
an accountant. You go right ahead,
though. I wouldn't dream of stopping
you.
For
another thing, there are many, many people of the heterosexual persuasion that
I don't want to picture having sex. Did
you all see the George W. Bush erotica contest that The Adam Clymer Fanclub
linked to? I saw the challenge, in
which they asked writers to "capture the eroticism that is the essence of
George W. Bush" or somesuch, but I fled in terror without reading any of
the contest entries.
{{{shudder}}} {{{shudder}}} {{{shudder}}}
Here's
an exercise: picture your parents having sex.
Okay,
now stop, before we need to summon a Freudian psychologist.
I can
guess your reaction. You didn't want to
imagine it, you squirmed, you went, "eewwww." Or you just flat out refused to bring that
mental image to mind. (That's what I
did. Congratulations on a good
choice!) And yet, unless you were the
product of artificial insemination of a single woman, you know that your
parents did do the horizontal mambo, because here you are. They possibly even did it within the context
of a heterosexual marriage. So what's
wrong? I mean, if you don't want to
think about it, it must surely be a sin, right?
No, of
course not.
Other
than it being true, I believe that there are several reasons why heterosexual
people make the statement that they "don't want to think about
it." For some people, it's what
their upbringing has taught them is the appropriate response, for religious or
moral reasons. It can be a way of
declaring a prejudice while cloaking it in a visceral response that can't
really be objected to or argued with.
Also, there is the issue of macho posturing. Many men feel the need to establish their heterosexuality, to
prove it. Other than actually having
sex with a woman, one of the ways for them to do this is to talk about liking
male/female sex, and being put off by male/male sex. It's a way for straight men to distance themselves from gay men
and any suspicions that they themselves might be gay. Maybe some people use "not wanting to think about it"
as an excuse for themselves not to think about gay rights issues in general.
However,
there is another reason, one that doesn't suppose the people to be anti-gay or
the men to be overly concerned with the external manifestations of their own
heterosexual masculinity. Simply, some
people think about gay sex when gay issues are mentioned because gay sex is
"weird." It's not the
standard. It isn't usually seen in
mainstream R-rated movies as the natural end result of a courtship. You probably didn't learn about it in health
class. It probably wasn't mentioned in
"the talk" you got from your mom or dad. (Actually, homosexuality wasn't discussed in my facts of life
talk either, but AIDS was. A sign of the
times.)
Unless
you live in a gay mecca or were raised by gay parents, by the time you met one
openly gay person, or openly gay couple, you'd probably met thousands of
straight people. Hell, when my mother
came out of the closet when I was a teenager, gay people were still something
of an oddity to me, and I went through the whole ickiness of gay sex phase combined with the ickiness of parents
having sex (at all, with anyone) issue.
Even if you can't help thinking about it when you first meet gay people,
the more gay people you know, the more they become normal to you, the more it
won't even cross your mind.
The
default presumption of a person's sexuality is "straight" in this
society. You don't think about the sex
lives of the straight couples you meet, guess who's on top when they make love,
wonder about their HIV status. (Incidentally, in the U.S. the fastest growing
group of people getting infected with HIV is heterosexual women. Worldwide, AIDS was never a predominantly
gay disease. If you still think AIDS is
God's retribution against gays, please escape to a conservative website, and as
you go, ponder what God has against hemophiliacs, and why, in the U.S.,
lesbians are currently at the lowest risk of contracting HIV of any group.)
You don't
have to be "comfortable" with the idea of two men or two women making
love to be an ally of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. It's not a sign of being a homophobe if the idea of male/male or
female/female sex is unappealing to you.
But consider why you fixate on the sex aspect of a gay relationship
rather than the companionship, the friendship, the joint checking
accounts. Ask yourself why you need to
approve or disapprove of what consenting adults do in private. Remember that, despite your uneasiness with
the idea, your parents had sex with one another, and if they were straight (and
the same ethnicity and religion), they did so without fearing physical or
verbal assault, losing their jobs, houses, friends, or children, because
someone else didn't like the idea.
Recognize
that the "special rights" the homophobes howl about are the rights
straight people take for granted, like the right not to be fired without just
cause, the right to raise one's children unless proven to be an unfit parent,
or the right to rent an apartment. And
if you get annoyed with a gay couple "flaunting it" by daring to hug
or hold hands in public, ask yourself if the same level of PDA by a straight
couple would even catch your attention.
And if
you don't know any gay people?
Trust
me, you probably do.
If you
are willing to tell others you support gay causes, if you object when a
homophobic joke is told, if you comment positively on gay or lesbian public
figures, you can help create safe spaces for lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. Some teachers and professors even use stickers that say "LGBTQ
Safe Space" in their classrooms and offices. I know such declarations are scary to make,
and not without risk. But I saw a
button today that said, "I'd rather a bigot think I'm a homosexual than a
homosexual think I'm a bigot." If
you agree and act accordingly, you'll be a straight ally.
You may
even find that some of your friends come out to you.
And if they do, it's okay. They probably don't have any interest in having sex with you.
