“CLINTODONE

 

L.A. Weekly Reporter

Johnny Angel on the

CLINTODERM CJ

Competent Journalist Program©

 

Story Also Published in ONLINE JOURNAL

 

 “This specific addiction (Clinton Hate Mongering

by Supposedly Reputable People, or CHMBSRP)

 requires a treatment much more taboo and powerful

 than some over-the-counter remedy—what

is needed is ClintoDone! ClintoDone dispensed

in ClintoDone clinics all over our great land!

 

The Internet may be the first and last bastion of real truth and humor in these newly darkened days--dig this!

 

On the main page of the gorewon2000.net's February 6th "daily update", there is a beautifully-written satirical piece by WebMistress "The Diva," announcing a new product aimed at America's corps (or should that be "corpse"?) of journalists, designed to treat a syndrome afflicting that once-august profession. The affliction is "Clinton withdrawal" and The Diva proposes a wearable "patch" called "ClintoDerm" to ease the symptoms of same. You know, the inability to shake the addiction of salivating madly over the former President's genitalia, or his and his wife's every move as if they were the only story on the planet? (I kid you not, on Fox News, the Clinton's $190,000 gift "haul" eclipsed the story of 250,000 human beings killed in India by earthquake the day that the 7.9 temblor hit the Subcontinent. Maybe if Janet Reno had been vacationing there, or Vince Foster's third cousin owned a curry shop there... But I digress...) Pretty damned hilarious says me, even though Ms. Diva doesn't say what the chemical compound of ClintoDerm would be. And she does include a six-step program of recovery (instead of a twelve-step one; the point being, I guess, that journalists can only do half a program, being half-wits and all) that is a crack up. Go there and read it.

 

But I think that as incisive as the Diva is, her equation of Clinton withdrawal with that of nicotine withdrawal (ClintoDerm as NicoDerm, y'see) isn't as heavy as it need be. This monkey on the back is the hardest jones to break known to man or woman with word processor, a habit for talking head/pundit that can't be analogous to mere cancer sticks (although appropriate given the political bedfellow-hood of the tobacco business and the American News Media of 2001). Nope, the real parallel would be to the Grandpa of all highs, King Heroin. Sure, quitting cigarettes is hard, but smoking is common to all of the world and is somewhat uncomfortable to quit (some would dispute this, but for our purposes, I carry on). This specific addiction (Clinton Hate Mongering by Supposedly Reputable People, or CHMBSRP) requires a treatment much more taboo and powerful than some over-the-counter remedy--what is needed is ClintoDone! ClintoDone dispensed in ClintoDone clinics all over our great land!

 

That's right, a synthetic Clintonic opiate for the asses that preach to the masses! If the mind-numbing buzz off the poppy is the only driving force in the life of a real junkie, then can you imagine the agonies that the end of the Clinton era is bringing to the Clinton hating news junkie? In fact, ClintoDone should be dispensed more to the Fox News/Free Republic/Washington Times/Limbaugh/Wall Street Journal Op-Ed Page/Newsmax/Hardball viewer than the content-providing creeps that have re-created the Clinton family as a tabula rasa for every woe that afflicts the world, they are in fact analogous to the drug dealer than the addict--but like most dope-dealers, they too are fiends for the spell of the narcotic. And need ClintoDone in clinics coast to coast!

 

What would be in this weaning wonder drug, the replacement for the Rightwing, the placebo for the Piltdown men and women of the permanent scowl and "outrage" over the antics of all things Clinton? Well, we know what it isn't--GW Bush, the anointed and appointed chief executive. Hammering Bush (after having been instrumental in installing him by the most one-sided reportage and presentation of spin in American political history) is out of the question, in fact, the farther we get into Bush's fraudulent term, the more the crescendo of howls from Rupert Murdoch's choir about the now-former president and current private citizen. Bush is their baby, and nothing is less enviable than being in the position of having to defend him and by fiat, the enemy of all things Rightwing--the Federal Government. Without their object of hatred (and let's get honest here, envy), the Clinton Hate addicts have nothing--sure, they can try Jesse Jackson or Teddy Kennedy or Al Sharpton every now and again, but like the dope fiend who takes a handful of pills and expects relief, there isn't any.  Only the mothers milk will soothe the beast.

 

ClintoDone would have to be a slug of anti-Left, think-tank created swill that would be like a witches brew of all old stand-bys mixed into one. A dash of anti-red paranoia, a drop of race-baiting against African Americans (from the bottle labeled "States Rights"), a teaspoon of NRA hysteria, and all shaken but not stirred into a potion guaranteed to hold the kooks over until 2004. All dispensed nightly by the same dope dealers who brought you Impeachment, Travelgate, Whitewater, Filegate, Richgate, White House vandalism, and manufactured by the ultimate drug company--the Republican National Committee!

 

I predict a total bust, however. ClintoDone, like Methadone itself, is therefore a lousy substitute--ask a junkie about the supposed "miracle" drug and they'll tell you how it is nothing like the real thing. There's no high, just a subsistence level preventing a horrible kick. And so that the rabid loons of the Right don't go into the psychic version of the pains of withdrawal (for heroin, it's sweats, vomiting, diarrhea, sleeplessness; for Clinton-hating, it's mindless babbling and exhausting ones neighbors, family and co-workers with imbecilic ranting to the point that they avoid the hater like a Republican avoids the draft), the Right wing media (i.e. the mainstream media) will keep pumping out Clinton-based nonsense to an ever-shrinking market, because like most junkies, the haters will get sick and tired of being sick and tired. And as we are sick and tired of them, this will be one fine day, when perhaps we hear a caller get through to Limbaugh, or to Matthews, or Liddy and just say those horrible words that have been aimed at the rest of us since the Bush coup--"Why don't you GET OVER IT ALREADY!"

 

Hee, hee, hee.......

 

Johnny Angel

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