“CLINTODONE”
L.A. Weekly
Reporter
Johnny Angel on the
CLINTODERM CJ
Competent Journalist Program©
Story Also Published in ONLINE JOURNAL
“This
specific addiction (Clinton Hate Mongering
by Supposedly Reputable People, or CHMBSRP)
requires a treatment much
more taboo and powerful
than some over-the-counter
remedy—what
is needed is ClintoDone! ClintoDone dispensed
in ClintoDone clinics all over our great land!
The Internet may be the first and last bastion of real truth and humor
in these newly darkened days--dig this!
On the main page of the gorewon2000.net's February 6th "daily
update", there is a beautifully-written satirical piece by WebMistress
"The Diva," announcing a new product aimed at America's corps (or
should that be "corpse"?) of journalists, designed to treat a
syndrome afflicting that once-august profession. The affliction is
"Clinton withdrawal" and The Diva proposes a wearable
"patch" called "ClintoDerm" to ease the symptoms of same.
You know, the inability to shake the addiction of salivating madly over the
former President's genitalia, or his and his wife's every move as if they were
the only story on the planet? (I kid you not, on Fox News, the Clinton's $190,000
gift "haul" eclipsed the story of 250,000 human beings killed in
India by earthquake the day that the 7.9 temblor hit the Subcontinent. Maybe if
Janet Reno had been vacationing there, or Vince Foster's third cousin owned a
curry shop there... But I digress...) Pretty damned hilarious says me, even
though Ms. Diva doesn't say what the chemical compound of ClintoDerm would be.
And she does include a six-step program of recovery (instead of a twelve-step
one; the point being, I guess, that journalists can only do half a program,
being half-wits and all) that is a crack up. Go there and read it.
But I think that as incisive as the Diva is, her equation of Clinton
withdrawal with that of nicotine withdrawal (ClintoDerm as NicoDerm, y'see)
isn't as heavy as it need be. This monkey on the back is the hardest jones to
break known to man or woman with word processor, a habit for talking
head/pundit that can't be analogous to mere cancer sticks (although appropriate
given the political bedfellow-hood of the tobacco business and the American
News Media of 2001). Nope, the real parallel would be to the Grandpa of all
highs, King Heroin. Sure, quitting cigarettes is hard, but smoking is common to
all of the world and is somewhat uncomfortable to quit (some would dispute
this, but for our purposes, I carry on). This specific addiction (Clinton Hate
Mongering by Supposedly Reputable People, or CHMBSRP) requires a treatment much
more taboo and powerful than some over-the-counter remedy--what is needed is
ClintoDone! ClintoDone dispensed in ClintoDone clinics all over our great land!
That's right, a synthetic Clintonic opiate for the asses that preach to
the masses! If the mind-numbing buzz off the poppy is the only driving force in
the life of a real junkie, then can you imagine the agonies that the end of the
Clinton era is bringing to the Clinton hating news junkie? In fact, ClintoDone
should be dispensed more to the Fox News/Free Republic/Washington
Times/Limbaugh/Wall Street Journal Op-Ed Page/Newsmax/Hardball viewer than the
content-providing creeps that have re-created the Clinton family as a tabula
rasa for every woe that afflicts the world, they are in fact analogous to the
drug dealer than the addict--but like most dope-dealers, they too are fiends
for the spell of the narcotic. And need ClintoDone in clinics coast to coast!
What would be in this weaning wonder drug, the replacement for the
Rightwing, the placebo for the Piltdown men and women of the permanent scowl
and "outrage" over the antics of all things Clinton? Well, we know
what it isn't--GW Bush, the anointed and appointed chief executive. Hammering
Bush (after having been instrumental in installing him by the most one-sided
reportage and presentation of spin in American political history) is out of the
question, in fact, the farther we get into Bush's fraudulent term, the more the
crescendo of howls from Rupert Murdoch's choir about the now-former president
and current private citizen. Bush is their baby, and nothing is less enviable
than being in the position of having to defend him and by fiat, the enemy of
all things Rightwing--the Federal Government. Without their object of hatred
(and let's get honest here, envy), the Clinton Hate addicts have nothing--sure,
they can try Jesse Jackson or Teddy Kennedy or Al Sharpton every now and again,
but like the dope fiend who takes a handful of pills and expects relief, there
isn't any. Only the mothers milk will
soothe the beast.
ClintoDone would have to be a slug of anti-Left, think-tank created
swill that would be like a witches brew of all old stand-bys mixed into one. A
dash of anti-red paranoia, a drop of race-baiting against African Americans
(from the bottle labeled "States Rights"), a teaspoon of NRA
hysteria, and all shaken but not stirred into a potion guaranteed to hold the
kooks over until 2004. All dispensed nightly by the same dope dealers who
brought you Impeachment, Travelgate, Whitewater, Filegate, Richgate, White House
vandalism, and manufactured by the ultimate drug company--the Republican
National Committee!
I predict a total bust, however. ClintoDone, like Methadone itself, is
therefore a lousy substitute--ask a junkie about the supposed
"miracle" drug and they'll tell you how it is nothing like the real
thing. There's no high, just a subsistence level preventing a horrible kick.
And so that the rabid loons of the Right don't go into the psychic version of
the pains of withdrawal (for heroin, it's sweats, vomiting, diarrhea,
sleeplessness; for Clinton-hating, it's mindless babbling and exhausting ones
neighbors, family and co-workers with imbecilic ranting to the point that they
avoid the hater like a Republican avoids the draft), the Right wing media (i.e.
the mainstream media) will keep pumping out Clinton-based nonsense to an
ever-shrinking market, because like most junkies, the haters will get sick and
tired of being sick and tired. And as we are sick and tired of them, this will
be one fine day, when perhaps we hear a caller get through to Limbaugh, or to
Matthews, or Liddy and just say those horrible words that have been aimed at
the rest of us since the Bush coup--"Why don't you GET OVER IT
ALREADY!"
Hee, hee, hee.......
Johnny Angel